(Accountability Updates) Family Physical and Emotional Safety Plan

To reference the original article visit: http://jandjparenting.blogspot.com/2016/09/family-physical-and-emotional-safety.html

26 Oct 2016 Update

Couples Prayer and Scripture Study
Personal study of the gospel has improved since my recent General Conference #17DayLDSConfChallenge https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/17dayldsconfchallenge?source=feed_text&story_id=10153718452431534

However 8pm comes and something else is already happening. Will need to come to a time we can commit to and update later. That will be me goal.

Temple Attendance:
I missed one morning for the sake of putting family needs first and haven't been back since. I think I need to re-evaluate my exceptions, I felt I was doing so well. I feel so sad about this. It's not worth it. Just stick to your commitments, it's so much easier NOT to go when you falter on your commitment ONCE. =(

Physical Safety:
This doesn't seem to be an issue. Guess that's good right? =) Places are established, I just haven't need to use them. We'll have to see how this changes with the increase in committment I'm giving to account for my schedule, staying off facebook,etc. But for now, I'm feeling very good about this. Kids and parents alike have been physically kind with very few exceptions where O and AB fight on each other.

Emotional Safety:
Especially since establishing and being increasingly vocal about our 3 house rules, this area has improved. I haven't been tracking whitelists, quite frankly it was just all too much. Basic rules base on principles have proven to be much more effective and constant. 1. Be Kind, 2 - Be Gentle, 3 - Be Reverent. The kids keep me in check and I keep them in check. It's been wonderful to get these rules rolling.

Coping Tools:
Still got my music to draw on, which seems to be a recurring tool I turn to. Implimenting 20 min timer for work, kids, and household tasks. Go for 20 min, then take a break and do something physical 8-5. Maybe something electronic after that. Going to see how this new coping tool helps for the next few weeks.


28 Sept 2016 Update

Couples Prayer and Scripture Study
Jos and I have not been reading our scriptures like we planned, but have set a time which should help, for 8pm each evening. This should allow for the kids to be in bed, and we can dedicate 20 min to scripture study.

Temple Attendance:
I've had perfect attendance for 5 weeks in a row. Last Saturday my mom was kind enough to watch all 3 kids so we could go to the temple together!

Physical Safety:
Have you ever handled a baby who for whatever reason is unable to be consoled. =( Breaks my heart. I had one instance where JH was crying inconsolably. He was fed, burped, had a fresh diaper on, was done kicking on his back, squirmed while being held, wouldn't sit forward facing, and all while attempting to address a time sensitive task for work. I could feel tension and frustration building, so to avoid any childish frustrating roughness, I laid him in his crib and took a minute to stretch and breath for 5 min before picking him up again by which time I was calm, in control and could hold him lovingly. I hope I'm not the only one who starts feeling this way then things get intense. You may think, how could you ever be rough with such a helpless, precious little baby? Truthfully, I'm not sure, it's something relatively new for me. With mandatory things competing for your attention, there's a tension that builds that blurs logic and objectivity. Fight/flight takes over becoming short and rash. It's hard for me to write about, because I'm not a violent or abusive person. But I can see when the stresses of life piles on, and or you get a person with a less calm personality, it's easy to see why or how someone might result to abuse. We however refuse to ever let things get to that point, so here's to safety places and coping tools!

Emotional Abuse:
There were times Sunday and Tuesday this week where I raised my voice at the kids. This is something I always promised Josie I would never do. I get the appeal that yelling gets results and conformity, but it has no place in the home of an Latter-day Saint family.

Also, there have been a couple of times when AB is being either super silly, or not listening where I've cut her off and dismissed her abruptly. I don't feel this is appropriate behavior either. After either instance, I try to make a point to apologize, say I love them, help them laugh to get them in a better mood, then give them a hug while explaining why I'm hugging them, and apologizing again. Sometimes this is followed by a few minutes of dedicated play.

I'll still have to make the white-list board, but for now, this week we're reminding both what an inside voice and what an outside voice sounds like and when is appropriate for either.

Coping Tools
Listened to calming music on Spotify, started stretching, even did a hypnosis session. Also wore oils. Music seemed most effective.

(Accountability Updates) From Deluted Apple Juice to H2O

To reference the original article visit: http://jandjparenting.blogspot.com/2016/09/from-deluted-apple-juice-to-h2o.html


26 Oct 2016 Update
Haven't been doing this. We ran out of apple juice or other juices and usually gave them milk. Time to re-commit to this one. Should be easier with an alarm to remind me. Wish me luck!

28 Sept 2016 Update
Filled their cups that day around 8 am and neither of them finished it until after noon. Not enough liquid! Reverted to apple juice and orange juice. Will backtrack and just start with water at 8am, then at snack, whether they've finished or not, encourage them to drink as much as they can, then replace with juice. Until they can start finishing an entire cup in that first 90 min of the day, I'll just keep them hydrated and perhaps further dilute the juice with water.

19 May 2017 Update 

Well, we kinda sorta went on vacation for a week and didn't bring any "Juice". After getting home we forgot to buy juice and magically the kids drink water JUST fine! Go figure, huh? 

Problem: Kids won't drink water, only juice. 

Resolution: Don't enable unhealthy habits, don't buy apple juice. Make water available. 

Result: Kids drink water. Kids ask for water. Parents save money. Parents endure occasional badgering for juice from children. Parents offer water. Kids accept. 

Lol. Sometimes, as a parent,  you just feel dumb for not implementing thing simpler,  earlier. Parents, don't make this hard on yourself,. Be a percent and just go with what you prefer and think is best for your kid. They're not bullying you on purpose, and you ARE bigger than them... Soooo.... =) 

Family Physical and Emotional Safety Plan

I've characteristically always been a very docile, patient, calm and understand person, and for the most part I still am. It's actually one of the things my Wife, Jos loves me for the most. Says it helps balance her out and keep her focused. Our kids too. But since adding a third child to our family, purchasing a business, and receiving an important calling in church, added in top of being the primary caretaker during the day and whatever else, I'm beginning to experience these strange, foreign, overpowering emotions such as anger, contempt, impatience, indifference, and otherwise general irritability.

Although it's been very hard on me and my family I have no doubt that these can be respected, thanked for their service, resolved and eventually overcome given the proper approach. While I discover how to approach each emotion, it's root cause and how to work through them, I've felt inclined to create a Family Safety plan to guard against the negative affects these personal issues may have on my parenting and marriage.

http://classroomclipart.com/clipart-view/Clipart/Construction/road-construction-safety-clipart-20153_jpg.htm

So for the hard times ahead, as I put faith in the Lord, believe in myself and my family I plan to implement the following helps.

Principles Behind Our Family Safety Plan For Carefree & Stressful Times Alike:
Anchor a strong spiritual foundation.
Take proactive measures to guard against physical abuse.
Take proactive measures to guard against emotional abuse.
Implement healthy coping mechanisms to help maintain or recenter ourselves mentally and emotionally.

Spiritually Anchored

We will pray for a spiritually uplifting and revelatory experience in our daily couples scripture study. I will also be attending the Temple weekly on Sat morning 5:30 am sessions, except when my wife and I attend together monthly.

Physical Abuse Guard

A 5 minute cool down and safety spot for each family member is established where each can stay safe from themselves, siblings or parents. This can either be used individually as needed or all at the same time. Bassinet, crib, rocking chair/bedroom, Laundry room, bathroom.

Emotional Abuse Guard

Hugs, kisses and other appropriate affection.
Saying "I love you" or giving sincere compliments
Serving each other
Shopping for simple meaningful gifts.
Weekly date nights
Monthly simple kid dates with each parent (6 planned, [paid] for and paired off)
Verbal Word Whitelist 1 focus word a week
Behavioral Whitelist 1 focus behavior a week
Whitelist can be cleared monthly reviewed and reevaluated.

Coping Mechanisms

Calming music, hypnosis session, singing hymns or primary songs, diffusing and/or topically applying essential oils, blogging, or stretching. Okay to miss one date with spouse a month.

Flexibility, accountability, and simplicity guidelines:

In order to keep the above plan from causing more stress, the following are also implemented.

Specific time / time frames set aside for dates, scripture study, temple attendance, family safety plan review, planning or discussion. General guidelines can be lightly reviewed but shouldn't be specifically planned as tasks to fill, unless a specific need arises to do so. Forgiveness for being unable to account for 2/3s of specific items given without question. This should allow room for going easy on ourselves while still accomplishing a lot of good and moving in a forward direction safety wise.

A lot of detail here because we feel it's important, but enough built in ease to make sure it's successful. We'll most likely review in a couple of months and simplify or alter our current plan but it's a good flexibly specific plan to ensure our families physical and emotional safety.

To follow my progress on these goals, visit: http://jandjparenting.blogspot.com/2016/09/accountability-updates-family-physical.html

From Deluted Apple Juice to H2O

I have a confession. Unless it's exactly what they want to drink, my kids rule their sippy cups with furious passion, and refuse to drink. Well, that what I told myself after a couple of difficult days of opposition. "You know what? It's not worth it! Have some apple juice. As long as you're drinking and staying hydrated I don't care anymore."

Moments of weakness, I know. But that was just for hard days and doesn't apply to every day. I can help my children make healthy beverage choices early! So...then I feel like if I dilute it half and half with water, it's not so bad and they can drink milk or apple juice. But even then, I haven't felt very comfortable with the idea of them constantly drinking apple juice. Water however should be the staple, so, I'm charting a course to get them to drink water more willingly! (Good job, Dad! Way to be a parent instead of a friend.) Aww, thanks everybody!



So it begins. Milk in the morning if they want, then their next sippy (another goal is to move completely away from sippy cups, but we'll tackle that in another post.) Water! Pictured here is their first cup of water! I'll alternate off and on through-out the day,check at snack time (9:30) on how much they drink. This will help keep them hydrated while not completely adjusting what they're use to or give in every time they ask. Here goes establishing better boundaries. Small, but important, all the same!



To follow updates on this project visit: http://jandjparenting.blogspot.com/2016/09/accountability-updates-from-deluted.html

No Hold My Hand, Daddy!

I recently discovered by observing Josie, a tip for when our 2 year old refuses to hold my hand at important times, such as in directing, helping him move along when our time is limited, or otherwise. At this young they tend to wander. I'm sure for most parent's this has already been discovered or may seem intuitive. For whatever reason it did not for me. But, we've found it helpful to walk beside them and gently place a hand as a guide at the rear of their heads. Much less intrusive than knees in the back (which I'm embarrassingly resorted to) or pulling along unwillingly. I feel that this is a win-win. It allows the child to assert themselves to their preference, but still giving room for guidance. You know, so they don't wander off to some distraction, or sit there in a pout. I've found it helpful in a variety of stubborn circumstances as well as simple corrections in direction. Hope it helps someone else like me, who had not yet thought of it.