STOP Abusing Anger: Embrace Embarassment

I have a confession to make. But before I make said confession, lets all just agree that we're all doing the best we can and adulting + parenting is a just plain tough.

Confession:
I'm an angry person. Anger doesn't define me.
I'm a parent who is apparently angry too often. Anger doesn't sub-define me.
I'm a good Dad, but I also experience, act, and react to feelings of anger more often than I'd like to admit.

As an observation in myself, I find that anger based reactions are, more often than not, rooted in some kind of embarrassment followed by escape-goating or blame. To transform reacting into responding, I've found it effective to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings and behavior FIRST, before or in place of calling someone else out, blaming or even coaching, someone else's behavior that led me to react in the first place.

Lemme 'splain. This morning, I found my very expensive pair of studio headphones broken, which put me into reactive "downstairs-brain" mode. It was actually kind of entertaining to observe myself go from shocked, to sad, to angry, to noticing my glance or expression, from ready to pounce and go all ape crazy on the offender, to seeing him (my 3 year old freeze and look sorry) to feeling remorse for looking so scary, to clicking "Embarrassed". I realized I was the one who didn't put them away, then angry again that he played with them even though I've told him that they aren't to play with, to realize that was an escape goat, and that I'm bigger than him, so why should I expect him to act bigger than me? all in the matter of like 5 seconds!

Fortunately, I was able to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings and behavior, before I raised my voice, struck fear, and or acted on any other ape crazy instincts. See, this wasn't the first time I've been embarrassed by my own behavior, but it was, I feel a pivotal successful moment as a parent when I fully owned up to my own thoughts, feelings and behavior, BEFORE reacting in one way or another, by naming it to tame it! I journaled about my previously lost battle, and because of that was better able to respond to feelings of anger, in a way that felt masterful.

How do you respond to embarrassment? Are you aware, able to acknowledge, and ready to take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and behavior? Doesn't have to be about anger or embarrassment, but if you'll take some time to journal about your lost battles, you too can come off conquer and win the war and become the kind of parent you've always hoped you'd be. Never give up. They're worth it. You're worth it! We've got this!

Screen-time : A Timely Opportunity to Parent Up!

Mom's and Dad's, you deserve a break, you've earned it, heck you NEED it. I'll admit, I have this thought often.  Wouldn't it be great if there were some kind of free baby sitter that would allow you to take a nap, enjoy some free time, maybe actually get something done besides picking up toys and wiping butts!?

Surface Problem & Solution 
I work from home, so it's tempting to turn on the TV, give them the remote (who am I kidding? I'm a parent, there's not such thing as free time!) and get something productive done. Heck, maybe I can fit some work in and not feel so bad about "neglecting" my kids!

But am I actually helping anyone (myself included) by allowing them to veg in front of a TV screen; a Kindle, iPad or Tablet; a video game, app, or some other kind of screen time? Or am I just creating more work for myself - later? Am I avoiding neglect, or calling it my another name?

Maybe I'll just keep a good monitor on their content, after all there's lots of educational material, it can't be all bad I justify. But how long do I allow it? I'll be the first to admit, I'm addicted to hyper-focused productivity. Whatever your reasoning or purpose behind sitting then down in front of a screen time device, there is a seemingly universal thought along these lines that makes us feel better about it and maybe even prevents us from ever learning the real opportunity available here. Yes, it is there to distract our kids and often slow things down for us, so on the surface, screen time is an expedient solution. Keeps both me and them happy. So, "what the heck!" the details are stressing me out, so I'll deal with it later, or take it a day at a time, it's not worth getting worked up over, over-analyzing a way to get more pack for my punch. Who cares if I'm doing it right, it works for me now, so who cares! I'm starting to... So lemme venture...

Screen-time Parenting, an Overly Stressed & Stretched Out Mom's/Dad's "Alcohol"
What comes first, urgency or importance? My role as a parent, provider, husband, siblings, friend, volunteer, or myself? I seriously struggle balancing them all. Can you relate? Most likely, we all can. Trouble is, we often spend so much of our time in the urgent/not important quadrant, especially as parents, that quality takes a back burner.

"Daddy wipe me!" (Gah, wipe yourself!) "The TV's not working" (Well, then turn it off! Go play with your brother or something!) "My kindle is dead!" (Oh darn! Your life is SO hard!) "He's poopy again! (I JUST changed him, could they just NOT for 5 minutes!?) Seriously, all verbatim demands from my kids and the type of thoughts that go through my head every day. EVERY DAY! Okay so some of those are important too, but all urgent, ub-your-face stuff, when coming in an endless barrage all turns me to #ScreenTiming. (Rubbing Alcohol is the only kind of alcohol in a Mormon's household, so I gotta turn to something to keep my sanity, right?)

#ScreenTiming Responsibly
Okay, so maybe, like me, you're not ready to kick the #ScreenTiming bottle yet. But you're close to having it under control. You've adulted and did a Google search revealing that the AAP (American Association of Pediatrics) recommends the following :

Restricting media to high quality content 18 mo to 18 years.
Ages 2-5 co-screen-timing with them to explain what they're seeing and how to apply what they're learning to the real world.
Ages 6 to 18, consistent limits, boundaries, and balance within other healthy lifestyle emphasis.
Media free zones by time and/or location (meal-time & private rooms)
Maintaining open communication & respecting others online and offline.

Where to begin... 
Okay, these are great rules and I can see their value, so "where should I start?" For me it's quantity, and the hardest one - co-viewing & talking them through what they're watching as it relates to the rest of the world. Great! One more thing to do, and defeats the whole perk of giving me the time I want for myself. (Waaah. I'm in serious need of a Wambulance right now. Adulting is hard, boo!) Especially when so many high quality content based shows and apps include that element as part of their interactive experience. See I'm really good at justifying guys, I should get paid for stuff like this.

Missing the Mark Behind "High Quality" Content
"I feel comfortable letting my kid watch _______ because it's educational, interactive, clean, cute, etc., whatever." Yes I still use this argument to use Netflix as a baby sitter. But I know better. Cause the quality of the content will never rise above the meaningfulness of MY involvement in my kids lives. Entertainment is a catalyst, not replacement for connection. Using it to buy me time to do anything less than something absolutely imminent, is probably not a good investment of my time, or theirs.

When implemented consistently, what will bring about the most profitable return? Distraction, or connection? Connection will win every time! It may not be realistic to execute perfectly, but, Screen-time is a pervasive constant in most of our lives now, so let's make the best of it! We can make connection the rule instead of the exception. Going forward, screen-time will equal us-time more often than not.

Gamify: My Approach to Limit the Quantity
Yay, now we get to talk about my picture. What do toy ring stacking towers have to do with screen time and patenting? It's said that time is money, so in principle and our kids case, that's exactly how we'll approach screen time limits.

1.) Unlock your screen time access - Unless it's 6:30am, you're not permitted to leave your room. You're free to get up earlier, to play in your room, even to make a mess, but before you leave the room, you have a choice, to clean your room and unlock potential earnings toward screen time that day, or to help out around the house for free. That's yer boundary & opportunity. Cleaning up after yourself, and helping around the house are an inherent part of being grateful for the shelter we are privileged to experience, every day. But if you'd like to earn rewards towards Screen-time, it is not a privilege of necessity, but a privilege of convenience and is a want. Rough rule! they're just kids! How could you? There's no punishment here, please don't get me wrong. From as young as 2, they can learn to work for what they want and be grateful their needs are being met. Last thing our nation needs or people in general, are more children growing up with ungrateful hearts and an entitlement mindset. Break the cycle. Teach them young.

2.) Earning & Saving - Once unlocked, time intervals of 10, 20 and 30 minutes of screen time can be earned by helping me with whatever I ask. Your earnings can be all saved up, to be used as one big glop of time, or used one at a time according to your preference. Keeping the house clean has never been easier folks!

3.) Investing for "tomorrow" - Never deplete your stack. The 1 hr ring is always to stay on the bottom. However, tomorrow must be planned for and there are 2 options for earning back those rings in preparation for tomorrow. a.) You can work along side me for each increment of time, designated per ring, or you can serve someone else, like a sibling, by offering to do their most difficult chores for them to fill up your ring towers in one fell swoop. Your choice. Choose to not refill your tower, and there will be nothing to earn or spend tomorrow on screen time. Again, no punishment here, just discipline in the making; a pattern for time and money management in the years to come.


All subject to future refinement but it's where I'm starting, and so far, I feel really good about it. If you liked this article, or know of anyone who may benefit or find it of interest, please feel free to share, and/or subscribe for future content.

I wish you all success in your personal parenting adventures, as I hope you'll pray for me in mine!

Uncovering the Calming Strength to Face Our Daily Challenges

The following technique came to me as I was facing a challenge this morning with both kids whining loudly at the same time. I felt like yelling at them to calm the fetch down, but upon becoming aware of the irony in my impulsive approach, there unfolded to my view an alternate approach that seems to be quite helpful for me. Hope that it may benefit any of you readers as challenges arise in your lives.

1.) Take 3 deep slow breaths to help center and calm yourself.
2.) Pretend you are an outside observer and describe out loud, or calmly to yourself, the challenge you are observing. Maybe even as if you had just entered the room and were seeing the scene the first time. I think that helps.
3.) Explore the nature and cause of the problem objectively. Tap into your intuition and extend a suggested solution that may help address the "problem".
4.) Ask, "Who will (insert solution)?"
5.) Respond to the above question, by stating your role in relationship to the person, thing, or feeling. (Parent, Spouse, Child, Owner, Protector, Master, Guardian, etc.)
6.) Offer to fulfill the need yourself in light of the context of your role.

This way my response, in contrast of my impulsive reaction, can become an act of loving kindness.

To illustrate this mornings experience, I'll fill in some specifics.

1.) I took 3 deep breaths.
2.) Pretend I was walking into a room of someone else's kids and out loud like the crazy person I am sometimes, "The children's voices are elevated, and a sort of restlessness exists in their behavior.
3.) Perhaps, they are in need of some undivided attention. Intuition suggests this.
4.) Who will give the children a few moments of undivided attention?
5.) In response: "I am the children's father."
6.) "I will give them my undivided attention for 15 minutes and re-evaluate."

This of course can be applied to any challenge in the context of any role. Good luck, and may we all give more loving kindness to those around us.

Fly-Aways & Dad-Smarts

So, apparently using a spray bottle of water on hair helps reduce fly-aways. The things a Dad learns 4 years into parenthood even after doing his daughter's hair for over a year now...

I've got a ways to go to compete with Jos, but that's okay, and I'm savoring the joy of this new discovery! Haha.

Ask, Seek, Knock, Hunger, Fruit Punch, Sandwich!

3rd Nephi 18:20 reads:

"And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." [Emphasis added]

During a recent lengthy car ride, AB asked if she could have more candy. At first, since it was lunch time, I replied that she couldn't, but that should could have as sandwich we had packed and made ready for her to eat. But do you think she was grateful for the efforts we went to, to make her as sandwich? Or the convenience of the ready to eat bread and or ingredients in between that someone else had worked hard to produce, packaged and made ready and convenient to purchase from a blessing called a grocery store? Or perhaps even the wisdom of a parent who knew it was lunch time? No! She just wanted the candy and threw a meltdown fit!

Once she came around and asked again for the candy, unable to drop the subject, I gave a reasonable yes with a condition. Once you have consumed your sandwich in its entirety, you may have some candy. Visibly distraught over this completely UNreasonable set of conditions, she countered, "OK. Daddy, I drink all of my juice (fruit punch)  and when it's all gone, then you give me candy! Ok daddy thank you so much!"

Um...  No. Not how it works! She understood a condition was finishing something to get something else in return, but did not perceive the value of one thing over another. Eventually, she gave up for a couple of hours. Being hungry, she didn't much care for or even bring up the candy, and happily ate her sandwich.

I am glad for the opportunity to be a parent and how it teaches me of God's love for me and how/why he works in the way he does. So often, in my spiritually naive and immature state, I ask for so many things I think are "right" or righteous desires, while in reality they are not. Sometimes, I can be humble, perceive what is right and ask it, but so often the Lord waits and allows me to become hungry, before I gladly and clearly ask for the "right" thing.

Note however the role seeking, accepting and acting on the father's will could have avoided hunger and brought additional blessings asked for earlier. Now, me being a clearly imperfect father, just imagine what our perfect Father then has in store for us as we seek and act upon a proper understanding of His will, or better yet seek and knock to know what to ask for in the first place! I believe there is much suffering we can avoid in life should we seek first what to ask the Lord for.

Also, it would make sense to me, that perpetually being grateful would aid in the ease of accepting the Lord's will and following Him.

I love the Lord and hope to be a more humble and trusting Son.

Palm Up Parenting

As I observed my children today, I notice O, dominantly gives directives and AB dominantly gives orders. POOR communication habits they picked up from Mom and Dad. Seeing O do this to Anabelle reminded me of a TED talk I watched once about palm use. You can watch it here: https://youtu.be/ZZZ7k8cMA-4

So, I started to consciously change my hand position when I talked to them placing the palm of my hand up, giving more of an invitation feel, than an order (palm down) or a directive (pointer finger). After trying for several minutes I found either kid was more willing to listen to what I was saying. Amazing! Wonder if it will continue to hold true! Can't hurt, right? Thought I'd share and encourage palm up parenting.

(Accountability Updates) Family Physical and Emotional Safety Plan

To reference the original article visit: http://jandjparenting.blogspot.com/2016/09/family-physical-and-emotional-safety.html

26 Oct 2016 Update

Couples Prayer and Scripture Study
Personal study of the gospel has improved since my recent General Conference #17DayLDSConfChallenge https://www.facebook.com/hashtag/17dayldsconfchallenge?source=feed_text&story_id=10153718452431534

However 8pm comes and something else is already happening. Will need to come to a time we can commit to and update later. That will be me goal.

Temple Attendance:
I missed one morning for the sake of putting family needs first and haven't been back since. I think I need to re-evaluate my exceptions, I felt I was doing so well. I feel so sad about this. It's not worth it. Just stick to your commitments, it's so much easier NOT to go when you falter on your commitment ONCE. =(

Physical Safety:
This doesn't seem to be an issue. Guess that's good right? =) Places are established, I just haven't need to use them. We'll have to see how this changes with the increase in committment I'm giving to account for my schedule, staying off facebook,etc. But for now, I'm feeling very good about this. Kids and parents alike have been physically kind with very few exceptions where O and AB fight on each other.

Emotional Safety:
Especially since establishing and being increasingly vocal about our 3 house rules, this area has improved. I haven't been tracking whitelists, quite frankly it was just all too much. Basic rules base on principles have proven to be much more effective and constant. 1. Be Kind, 2 - Be Gentle, 3 - Be Reverent. The kids keep me in check and I keep them in check. It's been wonderful to get these rules rolling.

Coping Tools:
Still got my music to draw on, which seems to be a recurring tool I turn to. Implimenting 20 min timer for work, kids, and household tasks. Go for 20 min, then take a break and do something physical 8-5. Maybe something electronic after that. Going to see how this new coping tool helps for the next few weeks.


28 Sept 2016 Update

Couples Prayer and Scripture Study
Jos and I have not been reading our scriptures like we planned, but have set a time which should help, for 8pm each evening. This should allow for the kids to be in bed, and we can dedicate 20 min to scripture study.

Temple Attendance:
I've had perfect attendance for 5 weeks in a row. Last Saturday my mom was kind enough to watch all 3 kids so we could go to the temple together!

Physical Safety:
Have you ever handled a baby who for whatever reason is unable to be consoled. =( Breaks my heart. I had one instance where JH was crying inconsolably. He was fed, burped, had a fresh diaper on, was done kicking on his back, squirmed while being held, wouldn't sit forward facing, and all while attempting to address a time sensitive task for work. I could feel tension and frustration building, so to avoid any childish frustrating roughness, I laid him in his crib and took a minute to stretch and breath for 5 min before picking him up again by which time I was calm, in control and could hold him lovingly. I hope I'm not the only one who starts feeling this way then things get intense. You may think, how could you ever be rough with such a helpless, precious little baby? Truthfully, I'm not sure, it's something relatively new for me. With mandatory things competing for your attention, there's a tension that builds that blurs logic and objectivity. Fight/flight takes over becoming short and rash. It's hard for me to write about, because I'm not a violent or abusive person. But I can see when the stresses of life piles on, and or you get a person with a less calm personality, it's easy to see why or how someone might result to abuse. We however refuse to ever let things get to that point, so here's to safety places and coping tools!

Emotional Abuse:
There were times Sunday and Tuesday this week where I raised my voice at the kids. This is something I always promised Josie I would never do. I get the appeal that yelling gets results and conformity, but it has no place in the home of an Latter-day Saint family.

Also, there have been a couple of times when AB is being either super silly, or not listening where I've cut her off and dismissed her abruptly. I don't feel this is appropriate behavior either. After either instance, I try to make a point to apologize, say I love them, help them laugh to get them in a better mood, then give them a hug while explaining why I'm hugging them, and apologizing again. Sometimes this is followed by a few minutes of dedicated play.

I'll still have to make the white-list board, but for now, this week we're reminding both what an inside voice and what an outside voice sounds like and when is appropriate for either.

Coping Tools
Listened to calming music on Spotify, started stretching, even did a hypnosis session. Also wore oils. Music seemed most effective.