8 Personalities of Play: #Adulting Reimagined

Few books have engrossed my attention as has "Play: How it Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination and Invigorates the Soul" by Stuart Brown. My mind flooded with ideas on how to approach the topic with my young children, and although it's not a parenting book, the value play, properly understood and applied in our lives and the lives of children at any age, but especially a young age, cannot be understated.

I've heard of Brown's work before, but had never read him. It wasn't until I was reading Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting: Rising Children with Courage, Compassion & Connection", (which it seems is pretty close if not identical to the last few chapters of "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead") that I decided to dive into Brown's book, Play. I'm so glad I did.

For me, parenting has become a burdensome endeavor and as of late I've found no joy or life in it. To me it's just plain old boring adulting without reward, only duty. The book explained that the opposite of play was not work. Work and play go hand in hand. But the opposite of play was depression. This is when a light turned on for me. I have lost my sense of play with my kids, and in many areas of my life. I've forgotten how to play! So I listened through it twice looking for principles I could apply to my role as a parent to see if I could go about changing that for the better.

Allow me to give two fundamental take away which I'll be using as a framework to explore play over the next 8 weeks. Properties of play and modes of play.

Nothing will do better to define play then to list it's properties, as it's specifics may be different for everyone. Brown has boiled the properties of play down to the following:

Properties of Play
1 Play is Apparently Purposeless
2 Play is Voluntary
3 Play has an Inherent Attraction
4 Play involves a Freedom from Time
5 Play involves a Diminished Consciousness of Self
6 Play involves Improvisational Potential
7 Play produces Continuation Desire

Let's quickly look at an example of children wrestling on the floor with their dad. 1.) it serves no productive end, 2.) no one is required to participate, yet without prompting might easily start as 1 kid can end up in a large doggy pile on dad. 3.) squeals of delight from a capture in dad's clutches might reveal that its fun for all 4.) No one is watching the clock or concerned with how much time is passing since fully engaged. 5.) No one is concerned about how they will look upside-down, or flushed in the face, or sweating even. 6.) Attacks can come from multiple angles, be easier or more difficult at any given time. 7.) When dad says "I'm pooped" the kids cry, "No! More Daddy, catch me, get me, let me climb on you!" or the like.

But Jake, I don't enjoy wrestling, things might break, someone might get hurt, I don't want to get sweaty or be THAT active - I'd be out of energy!

That's fine, because each person has their own play personality, and rough and tumble play is not the only form of play - there are at least 8 personalities explored in Brown's research. They are as follows.

Personalities of Play
1.) The Joker

2.) The Kinesthete
3.) The Explorer
4.) The Competitor
5.) The Director
6.) The Collector
7.) The Artist/Creator
8.) The Storyteller

Stay tuned for the next 8 week as I'll attempt to adopt one personality of play a week and play for 1 hour with my kids each day as we discover together what each mode is all about.

Adopting a playful attitude with children might easily help resolve conflicts that might otherwise prove to be very pain staking for parents. Take for example the 8 different modes applied to 1 situational problem. Adopting a playful approach to problem solving can in essence be one way to make a person to be loved more important than a problem to be solved, yet accomplish both.

Problem: Child will not eat a slice of pizza with veggies on it.

1.) Joker - Pretend the child's pizza is yours - inform them they are not to eat YOUR pizza. Turn way for a moment then flinging back covet the pizza by insisting that it not get so close to them and certainly NOT their mouth. "DON'T eat MY pizza!" put it back in front of them and turn away. Hopefully the child will think it funny as your reactions become more exaggerated the closer the pizza gets to their mouth, or the more they've eaten. Turning back each time to covet the pizza back and repeating the process until the pizza is gone.

2.) Kinesthete - A child can race to the counter then back to the counter for another bite. But they cannot have another bite until the counter has been touched again.

3.) Explorer - Encourage the child to pick up a red pepper and see how it tastes differently than a green pepper or an olive. Have them eat the pizza backwards or upside doesn't to see if it tastes any different. If two options are available, have them smell the difference between the two and they can only eat it if it's guessed correctly.

4.) Competitor - Race to finish before a sibling. Who can eat more? Who can chew 1 bite longest with their mouth closed before taking another bite? Who can take the smallest bite? Finish in the fewest bites?

5.) Director - Have the child pretend that their arm is not their own, but a robots. In order for the child to be fed, they must give directions to their own hand on how to move in order to feed themselves. In robotic tone, "Grab pizza. Lift hand. move to face. Bite and chew. Lower hand. Need oil grease, joints are jamming..."

6.) Collector - Have the child pick off all the different pieces and sort them into piles on their plate. Deposit each collection the the vault one ingredient at a time.

7.) Artist/Creator - Perhaps the child could chew out a mouth and or eyes out of the pizza to make a face - rearrange ingredients to make a picture, or build a structure before consuming it.

8.) The pizza has come from a freezer in which all the frozen food conversed. They'd all brag about how much frost had developed on their surfaces, and wondered how it might feel in a warm cozy oven or microwave. Then it's ingredient's who had lain dormant for so long could really come to live and fulfill their purpose. In all their glory they revived in the toasty heat of the oven and the cheese sizzled in joyous laughter to know that it too would soon be eaten, and wondered what the child was like, happy to see them. Anticipation grew as the child lifted the pizza to his mouth, YES the moment I've been waiting for, thought the pepperoni, please sir, bite me into a crescent moon so that I might live in the sky if but for a brief moment? The crumbs in the pizza pan stirred in satisfied accomplishment as the pizza was finished by all at the table.

Wish me luck, and revisit often for updates, ideas and lots and lots of fun to come in the next 8 weeks of adventure and exploration. (Ideas anyone on one of my favorite personalities of play?)

STOP Abusing Anger: Embrace Embarassment

I have a confession to make. But before I make said confession, lets all just agree that we're all doing the best we can and adulting + parenting is a just plain tough.

Confession:
I'm an angry person. Anger doesn't define me.
I'm a parent who is apparently angry too often. Anger doesn't sub-define me.
I'm a good Dad, but I also experience, act, and react to feelings of anger more often than I'd like to admit.

As an observation in myself, I find that anger based reactions are, more often than not, rooted in some kind of embarrassment followed by escape-goating or blame. To transform reacting into responding, I've found it effective to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings and behavior FIRST, before or in place of calling someone else out, blaming or even coaching, someone else's behavior that led me to react in the first place.

Lemme 'splain. This morning, I found my very expensive pair of studio headphones broken, which put me into reactive "downstairs-brain" mode. It was actually kind of entertaining to observe myself go from shocked, to sad, to angry, to noticing my glance or expression, from ready to pounce and go all ape crazy on the offender, to seeing him (my 3 year old freeze and look sorry) to feeling remorse for looking so scary, to clicking "Embarrassed". I realized I was the one who didn't put them away, then angry again that he played with them even though I've told him that they aren't to play with, to realize that was an escape goat, and that I'm bigger than him, so why should I expect him to act bigger than me? all in the matter of like 5 seconds!

Fortunately, I was able to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings and behavior, before I raised my voice, struck fear, and or acted on any other ape crazy instincts. See, this wasn't the first time I've been embarrassed by my own behavior, but it was, I feel a pivotal successful moment as a parent when I fully owned up to my own thoughts, feelings and behavior, BEFORE reacting in one way or another, by naming it to tame it! I journaled about my previously lost battle, and because of that was better able to respond to feelings of anger, in a way that felt masterful.

How do you respond to embarrassment? Are you aware, able to acknowledge, and ready to take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and behavior? Doesn't have to be about anger or embarrassment, but if you'll take some time to journal about your lost battles, you too can come off conquer and win the war and become the kind of parent you've always hoped you'd be. Never give up. They're worth it. You're worth it! We've got this!

Screen-time : A Timely Opportunity to Parent Up!

Mom's and Dad's, you deserve a break, you've earned it, heck you NEED it. I'll admit, I have this thought often.  Wouldn't it be great if there were some kind of free baby sitter that would allow you to take a nap, enjoy some free time, maybe actually get something done besides picking up toys and wiping butts!?

Surface Problem & Solution 
I work from home, so it's tempting to turn on the TV, give them the remote (who am I kidding? I'm a parent, there's not such thing as free time!) and get something productive done. Heck, maybe I can fit some work in and not feel so bad about "neglecting" my kids!

But am I actually helping anyone (myself included) by allowing them to veg in front of a TV screen; a Kindle, iPad or Tablet; a video game, app, or some other kind of screen time? Or am I just creating more work for myself - later? Am I avoiding neglect, or calling it my another name?

Maybe I'll just keep a good monitor on their content, after all there's lots of educational material, it can't be all bad I justify. But how long do I allow it? I'll be the first to admit, I'm addicted to hyper-focused productivity. Whatever your reasoning or purpose behind sitting then down in front of a screen time device, there is a seemingly universal thought along these lines that makes us feel better about it and maybe even prevents us from ever learning the real opportunity available here. Yes, it is there to distract our kids and often slow things down for us, so on the surface, screen time is an expedient solution. Keeps both me and them happy. So, "what the heck!" the details are stressing me out, so I'll deal with it later, or take it a day at a time, it's not worth getting worked up over, over-analyzing a way to get more pack for my punch. Who cares if I'm doing it right, it works for me now, so who cares! I'm starting to... So lemme venture...

Screen-time Parenting, an Overly Stressed & Stretched Out Mom's/Dad's "Alcohol"
What comes first, urgency or importance? My role as a parent, provider, husband, siblings, friend, volunteer, or myself? I seriously struggle balancing them all. Can you relate? Most likely, we all can. Trouble is, we often spend so much of our time in the urgent/not important quadrant, especially as parents, that quality takes a back burner.

"Daddy wipe me!" (Gah, wipe yourself!) "The TV's not working" (Well, then turn it off! Go play with your brother or something!) "My kindle is dead!" (Oh darn! Your life is SO hard!) "He's poopy again! (I JUST changed him, could they just NOT for 5 minutes!?) Seriously, all verbatim demands from my kids and the type of thoughts that go through my head every day. EVERY DAY! Okay so some of those are important too, but all urgent, ub-your-face stuff, when coming in an endless barrage all turns me to #ScreenTiming. (Rubbing Alcohol is the only kind of alcohol in a Mormon's household, so I gotta turn to something to keep my sanity, right?)

#ScreenTiming Responsibly
Okay, so maybe, like me, you're not ready to kick the #ScreenTiming bottle yet. But you're close to having it under control. You've adulted and did a Google search revealing that the AAP (American Association of Pediatrics) recommends the following :

Restricting media to high quality content 18 mo to 18 years.
Ages 2-5 co-screen-timing with them to explain what they're seeing and how to apply what they're learning to the real world.
Ages 6 to 18, consistent limits, boundaries, and balance within other healthy lifestyle emphasis.
Media free zones by time and/or location (meal-time & private rooms)
Maintaining open communication & respecting others online and offline.

Where to begin... 
Okay, these are great rules and I can see their value, so "where should I start?" For me it's quantity, and the hardest one - co-viewing & talking them through what they're watching as it relates to the rest of the world. Great! One more thing to do, and defeats the whole perk of giving me the time I want for myself. (Waaah. I'm in serious need of a Wambulance right now. Adulting is hard, boo!) Especially when so many high quality content based shows and apps include that element as part of their interactive experience. See I'm really good at justifying guys, I should get paid for stuff like this.

Missing the Mark Behind "High Quality" Content
"I feel comfortable letting my kid watch _______ because it's educational, interactive, clean, cute, etc., whatever." Yes I still use this argument to use Netflix as a baby sitter. But I know better. Cause the quality of the content will never rise above the meaningfulness of MY involvement in my kids lives. Entertainment is a catalyst, not replacement for connection. Using it to buy me time to do anything less than something absolutely imminent, is probably not a good investment of my time, or theirs.

When implemented consistently, what will bring about the most profitable return? Distraction, or connection? Connection will win every time! It may not be realistic to execute perfectly, but, Screen-time is a pervasive constant in most of our lives now, so let's make the best of it! We can make connection the rule instead of the exception. Going forward, screen-time will equal us-time more often than not.

Gamify: My Approach to Limit the Quantity
Yay, now we get to talk about my picture. What do toy ring stacking towers have to do with screen time and patenting? It's said that time is money, so in principle and our kids case, that's exactly how we'll approach screen time limits.

1.) Unlock your screen time access - Unless it's 6:30am, you're not permitted to leave your room. You're free to get up earlier, to play in your room, even to make a mess, but before you leave the room, you have a choice, to clean your room and unlock potential earnings toward screen time that day, or to help out around the house for free. That's yer boundary & opportunity. Cleaning up after yourself, and helping around the house are an inherent part of being grateful for the shelter we are privileged to experience, every day. But if you'd like to earn rewards towards Screen-time, it is not a privilege of necessity, but a privilege of convenience and is a want. Rough rule! they're just kids! How could you? There's no punishment here, please don't get me wrong. From as young as 2, they can learn to work for what they want and be grateful their needs are being met. Last thing our nation needs or people in general, are more children growing up with ungrateful hearts and an entitlement mindset. Break the cycle. Teach them young.

2.) Earning & Saving - Once unlocked, time intervals of 10, 20 and 30 minutes of screen time can be earned by helping me with whatever I ask. Your earnings can be all saved up, to be used as one big glop of time, or used one at a time according to your preference. Keeping the house clean has never been easier folks!

3.) Investing for "tomorrow" - Never deplete your stack. The 1 hr ring is always to stay on the bottom. However, tomorrow must be planned for and there are 2 options for earning back those rings in preparation for tomorrow. a.) You can work along side me for each increment of time, designated per ring, or you can serve someone else, like a sibling, by offering to do their most difficult chores for them to fill up your ring towers in one fell swoop. Your choice. Choose to not refill your tower, and there will be nothing to earn or spend tomorrow on screen time. Again, no punishment here, just discipline in the making; a pattern for time and money management in the years to come.


All subject to future refinement but it's where I'm starting, and so far, I feel really good about it. If you liked this article, or know of anyone who may benefit or find it of interest, please feel free to share, and/or subscribe for future content.

I wish you all success in your personal parenting adventures, as I hope you'll pray for me in mine!

Uncovering the Calming Strength to Face Our Daily Challenges

The following technique came to me as I was facing a challenge this morning with both kids whining loudly at the same time. I felt like yelling at them to calm the fetch down, but upon becoming aware of the irony in my impulsive approach, there unfolded to my view an alternate approach that seems to be quite helpful for me. Hope that it may benefit any of you readers as challenges arise in your lives.

1.) Take 3 deep slow breaths to help center and calm yourself.
2.) Pretend you are an outside observer and describe out loud, or calmly to yourself, the challenge you are observing. Maybe even as if you had just entered the room and were seeing the scene the first time. I think that helps.
3.) Explore the nature and cause of the problem objectively. Tap into your intuition and extend a suggested solution that may help address the "problem".
4.) Ask, "Who will (insert solution)?"
5.) Respond to the above question, by stating your role in relationship to the person, thing, or feeling. (Parent, Spouse, Child, Owner, Protector, Master, Guardian, etc.)
6.) Offer to fulfill the need yourself in light of the context of your role.

This way my response, in contrast of my impulsive reaction, can become an act of loving kindness.

To illustrate this mornings experience, I'll fill in some specifics.

1.) I took 3 deep breaths.
2.) Pretend I was walking into a room of someone else's kids and out loud like the crazy person I am sometimes, "The children's voices are elevated, and a sort of restlessness exists in their behavior.
3.) Perhaps, they are in need of some undivided attention. Intuition suggests this.
4.) Who will give the children a few moments of undivided attention?
5.) In response: "I am the children's father."
6.) "I will give them my undivided attention for 15 minutes and re-evaluate."

This of course can be applied to any challenge in the context of any role. Good luck, and may we all give more loving kindness to those around us.

Fly-Aways & Dad-Smarts

So, apparently using a spray bottle of water on hair helps reduce fly-aways. The things a Dad learns 4 years into parenthood even after doing his daughter's hair for over a year now...

I've got a ways to go to compete with Jos, but that's okay, and I'm savoring the joy of this new discovery! Haha.

Ask, Seek, Knock, Hunger, Fruit Punch, Sandwich!

3rd Nephi 18:20 reads:

"And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you." [Emphasis added]

During a recent lengthy car ride, AB asked if she could have more candy. At first, since it was lunch time, I replied that she couldn't, but that should could have as sandwich we had packed and made ready for her to eat. But do you think she was grateful for the efforts we went to, to make her as sandwich? Or the convenience of the ready to eat bread and or ingredients in between that someone else had worked hard to produce, packaged and made ready and convenient to purchase from a blessing called a grocery store? Or perhaps even the wisdom of a parent who knew it was lunch time? No! She just wanted the candy and threw a meltdown fit!

Once she came around and asked again for the candy, unable to drop the subject, I gave a reasonable yes with a condition. Once you have consumed your sandwich in its entirety, you may have some candy. Visibly distraught over this completely UNreasonable set of conditions, she countered, "OK. Daddy, I drink all of my juice (fruit punch)  and when it's all gone, then you give me candy! Ok daddy thank you so much!"

Um...  No. Not how it works! She understood a condition was finishing something to get something else in return, but did not perceive the value of one thing over another. Eventually, she gave up for a couple of hours. Being hungry, she didn't much care for or even bring up the candy, and happily ate her sandwich.

I am glad for the opportunity to be a parent and how it teaches me of God's love for me and how/why he works in the way he does. So often, in my spiritually naive and immature state, I ask for so many things I think are "right" or righteous desires, while in reality they are not. Sometimes, I can be humble, perceive what is right and ask it, but so often the Lord waits and allows me to become hungry, before I gladly and clearly ask for the "right" thing.

Note however the role seeking, accepting and acting on the father's will could have avoided hunger and brought additional blessings asked for earlier. Now, me being a clearly imperfect father, just imagine what our perfect Father then has in store for us as we seek and act upon a proper understanding of His will, or better yet seek and knock to know what to ask for in the first place! I believe there is much suffering we can avoid in life should we seek first what to ask the Lord for.

Also, it would make sense to me, that perpetually being grateful would aid in the ease of accepting the Lord's will and following Him.

I love the Lord and hope to be a more humble and trusting Son.

Palm Up Parenting

As I observed my children today, I notice O, dominantly gives directives and AB dominantly gives orders. POOR communication habits they picked up from Mom and Dad. Seeing O do this to Anabelle reminded me of a TED talk I watched once about palm use. You can watch it here: https://youtu.be/ZZZ7k8cMA-4

So, I started to consciously change my hand position when I talked to them placing the palm of my hand up, giving more of an invitation feel, than an order (palm down) or a directive (pointer finger). After trying for several minutes I found either kid was more willing to listen to what I was saying. Amazing! Wonder if it will continue to hold true! Can't hurt, right? Thought I'd share and encourage palm up parenting.